A little humour (aka humor) that requires, gasp, reading!

I’ve loaded my readers with some serious topics this past week or so. Time for a lighter tone; let’s take a break with some stress-relieving chuckles. (Thanks to Bill, Marilyn, and a few other friends for providing me with quality material to share.)

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A trip to Rome

A man walked into Joe’s Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks ‘What’s up?’

The man proceeds to explain he’s taking a vacation to Rome.

‘ROME?!’ Joe says, ‘Why would you want to go there? It’s a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You’d be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?’

‘We’re taking TWA,’ the man replies.

‘TWA?!’ yells Joe. ‘They’re a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late! So where you staying in Rome?’

The man says ‘We’ll be at the downtown International Marriot.’

‘That DUMP?!’ says Joe. ‘That’s the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they’re overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?’

The man says ‘We’re going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope.’

‘HA! That’s rich!’ laughs Joe. ‘You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You’re going to need it!’

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, ‘Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!’

‘No, quite the opposite’ explained the man. ‘Not only were we on time in one of their brand-new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!’

‘Hmmm,’ Joe says, ‘Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described.’

‘No, quite the opposite! They’d just finished a $25 million remodelling. It’s the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!’

‘Well,’ Joe mumbles, ‘I KNOW you didn’t get to see the Pope!’

‘Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.’

Impressed, Joe asks, ‘Tell me, please! What’d he say?’

‘Oh, not much really. Just ‘Where’d you get that awful haircut?’

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Teaching skills

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest kids in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence. The rest of the year went very smoothly!

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Marital bliss

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching TV, and I hear a ping of an incoming text message. Realizing that I had left my phone in the kitchen, I get up to check it.

It’s a text from my wife. “Since you’re in the kitchen anyway, please bring the chips on your way back.”

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Go, Grandmas everywhere!

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?”

“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!”

She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee and said, “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks. And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.”

You gotta love Grandmas!

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A for Effort

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

He got an A+.
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Happy smiles to you all! 🙂