Women, confidence, and salary negotiations

Salary negotiations, what’s that?  A headline in Toronto’s Globe and Mail the other day reminded me of my own history in salary negotiations: What Young Women Need to Know About Salary Negotiations.   On the very same morning that I read this article, one of my favourite bloggers, Wynne Leon, posted are article entitled Growth Mindset, in which she talks about women’s lack of confidence in being able to do things they haven’t tried or weren’t good at many years ago, as opposed to men, who are more likely to assume they can do whatever they want, if they really want to.  Both these two articles really hit home for me.  Time for some life experience sharing from an old girl (me).

A quote in Wynne’s post sums up much of what I’ve observed over 50 years of trying to convince more young women to enter my field of computer science:

“Most women think their abilities are fixed, (Carol) Dweck told us. They’re either good at math or bad at math. The same goes for a host of other challenges that women tend to take on less often than men do: leadership, entrepreneurship, public speaking, asking for raises, financial investment, even parking the car. Many women think, in these areas, that their talents are determined, finite, and immutable. Men, says Dweck, think they can learn almost anything.”

The Confidence Code by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman

The main reason that more young women continue to decide against pursuing engineering or computer science as a career choice seems to be that they’re convinced their 90% in high school math isn’t good enough for success in the program, as opposed to many of their male peers, who figure their 65% is fine, they can figure it out if they want to.  Where do these differences in levels of confidence come from?  And why??

The article about women not being good at salary negotiation really stood out for me because it pretty well defined my own history.  In my case, the main reason was that I had absolutely no idea that you would or could negotiate for your salary.  I assumed it was a take-it-or-leave it situation.  And I was happy to take it.  Until … a perceptive and considerate male superior who was offering me a new administrative role in my university said to me: “Jane, this is where you’re supposed to ask for a salary bump to go along with the stipend that comes with this position.”  Imagine!  Such a thing had never crossed my mind.  I should add that this man is one of several men who mentored me through the years.

Subsequently, over many years, I found myself in the position of hiring others to a variety of positions.  Invariably, any men being hired would expect to negotiate.  I should point out that we were a unionized shop and therefore had a defined salary ladder, but where you started on that ladder made a difference.  And even young men who were about to start their very first job seemed to know that this was an important discussion to have, whereas in always every situation the women being hired did not.  Why is that??  Is there a special school for young men that young women just don’t know about?

My final personal experience of salary negotiation came when I had the unusual experience of coming out of retirement into a senior administration position I had held previously, while things “settled down” and they searched for a new person in that role.  I knew when I went to meet with my boss-to-be that I’d be asked what I was expecting to get by way of compensation, so I was ready.  After all, I was an old hand at this by now, right?  I took the amount I was making in the same job 5 years previously, gave the generous bump of 4% per year to it, which was far more than any of the union bumps during that time, and, when asked, presented the head honcho with my figure.  His reply: “Is that all?!”  Wow, I hadn’t really figured anything out, had I?  It turns out that some men had even negotiated for expanded office space, fancier furniture, and – would you believe it – their own bathroom.  What the …?!  None of this impresses me, like many things in this world, but there you go.

Some of the points in the Globe and Mail article that particularly interested with me were:

Ms. Varalli says a common misconception around salary gaps is that women “don’t negotiate.” But the reality is not so straightforward.
“Women are socialized from a very young age that they should focus less on their interests and more on the interests of others and needs of others,” she says.

Dr. Dart points out that girls often get messages growing up that can stand in the way of negotiating a higher salary. “Part of the upbringing is that you [shouldn’t be] too ‘pushy,’ and you want to be nice,” she says.

Women aren’t the only ones affected by gendered socialization norms, Ms. Varalli adds.

“Everyone is raised in a system that tends to punish women and reward men for asking for more,” she says. “There are so many negative labels that get attached to women for behaving in a way that men are ‘supposed’ to.”

This observation is backed by data; a 2021 study conducted by researchers from Dartmouth College’s Tuck School of Business and Harvard Business School found that the higher in career rank a woman gets, the more likely she is to face backlash for assertively negotiating her salary.

The study found that women consistently faced backlash to empowered negotiating, even though they were practicing leadership styles considered “advantageous.”

So, in other words, we women can’t win!  The question I ask myself is, how do men figure this out from the get-go?  Is it all societal nurturing?  Is some of it nature as opposed to nurture?  I can’t answer that.  But I am forever grateful to the several men throughout my work life – and my husband – who have proactively encouraged me to be a player in the game.  I’m clearly still a work in progress, but it’s time – past time – for younger women to be bolstered with self-confidence … and that all-important salary negotiation know-how.