A little humour (humor) with a twist

This collection of humour is in story form for a change.  You can’t just look at cartoons to get your chuckles this go-round, reading is required! 😉  As usual, thanks go out to my social media buddies for having shared these gems with me (Thanks, Marilyn and Wynne).  Sources unknown.

Job Well Done?

A woman hired a carpet layer to put down a huge new carpet. It was a job that took most of the day. After the largest room was laid, the worker stepped outside for a smoking break. But he couldn’t find his pack of cigarettes.

He went back in to look for them and saw a small lump in the middle of the huge living room carpet. There was no way he was going to pull the carpet up – so he got a mallet from his truck and pounded it flat.

Just then the woman came in. “Oh” she said, “I found these cigarettes in the other room. Are they yours? Now if I can just find my parakeet…”

Bad Attitude

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke up very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

A Tale with a Twist

I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI.

As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a “social session” with family or friends.

Well, this year, it happened to me. I was out for the evening to a party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather nice red wine.

It was held at a great Mexican restaurant. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.

That’s when I did something I’ve never done before…I took a taxi home.

On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi, they waved it past, and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere, and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi.

The real surprise to me was I had never driven a taxi before. I don’t know where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it.

Coincidence

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I’m celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me too, I’m also celebrating,” said the woman.

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”

“What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile,
but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I used a different rooster,” he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”

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Laughter really is the best medicine, isn’t it?! 🙂