You can become a caregiver at any age; you don’t necessarily know when or for whom

I know, not the cheeriest of topics, is it?!  But, to put it in perspective, it’s not about war, famine, climate catastrophes, oppression, discrimination, misogyny, or new geopolitical standoffs.  See, not so bad after all, is it?

My husband and I happen to have been among those fortunate enough to live to the status of seriously senior citizens.  And we and our friends have, for the most part, been able to provide care for our partners – and/or our friends – when that role has been required.  Caregiving may be needed on a temporary basis when someone undergoes surgery (as, say, for joint replacement surgery 😉 ), or may be needed on an ongoing basis when dementia hits your partner or a friend.  Or a debilitating disease or injury that leaves the patient unable to care for him or herself.

There are many scenarios, and these situations are most decidedly not limited to those of us in the aging category.  Debilitating diseases and injuries, mental health diseases, and many forms of lifelong disabilities can affect people at all ages.  And those who care for loved ones in such need face many challenges as a result, due to the emotional, physical, mental and financial stresses and strains that go with the territory.  There are no easy answers to these challenges, aside from supportive public social policies to provide PSWs, etc. and, for some, good insurance policies.  But being aware that things can take an unexpected turn and require you to take on a caregiver role can help in this transition.  Being prepared can make a difference to your mental health and well-being at the very least, and there’s nothing more critical.  If you’re a caregiver for someone who’s reliant on you in some – or all – ways, making sure you stay healthy yourself is paramount!!  That is always a bit of a concern for people my age who find themselves in caregiver roles.

To be honest, I have been thinking about this from time to time, for the simple reason that it’s a fact of life for our age group.  But the impetus for writing about it today was a piece I read this morning in the Globe and Mail by Dr. Brian Goldman, What to do when you unexpectedly become somebody’s caregiver.  If his name sounds familiar to Canadian readers, it’s because he is the host of the CBC radio program White Coat, Black Art, in which he (a 66-year old physician) “examines the business and culture of medicine from an insider’s perspective”.  But this article is a personal one; Dr. Goldman is describing his journey as unexpected caregiver for his big sister, Joanne. [Phil, take note!]

I highly recommend that you read his entire opinion piece, especially if you or someone you know is carrying out a caregiver role for a friend or family member.  Aside from his very relatable descriptions of some of his unexpected challenges – even for a doctor, the rules he arrived at to preserve his sanity and thereby better serve his sister are excellent ones.  In fact, they are excellent rules to consider for many stressful long-term situations we find ourselves in, whether caring for others or caring for ourselves.  Take a look; he calls them “Brian’s rules”. [A fuller description of them can be found in his article.]

The first rule is to take care of me. I exercise vigorously every other day. I try to get enough sleep.

The second rule is that my caregiving duties do not include drowning in sadness or pity for Joanne. I know she wouldn’t want that.

The third rule is to be pragmatic, not perfect. Caregiving is an exercise in messy improvisation. It’s never perfect. You’re doing fine if the person you care for is better off than they would be without you.

The fourth rule is to figure out what you dislike doing and find someone else to do it. [Aside: The full article explains what this means for him, but there can be different solutions for different people.]

The fifth and most important rule is to assemble a team to get the job done. When I started caregiving for my sister, I felt as if the responsibility was all mine. I believe it’s that sense of “I alone” that leads to exhaustion and burnout. Out of necessity, I recruited others to help me. As more and more people came on board, I began to see a team forming before my eyes. [Aside: For some caregivers it’s very difficult to accept help from friends, but that’s often what you need to do. It’s also what your friends want.]

Dr. Goldman concludes his article by saying. “For me, teamwork is the connective tissue that makes the burden of unexpected caregiving more manageable. It’s what enables me to smile every time I visit Joanne.”  This is what we should wish for every caregiver and for every individual needing care, either at home or elsewhere, a ready smile.  No-one ever said life would be easy, but I think Dr. Goldman’s advice to himself provides valuable pointers to many of us.